Anger is a powerful, often uncomfortable emotion. It can be a large part of grief. How we handle it matters – both for us and those around us.
From the Grieving Heart:
I woke up angry today.
How dare you leave? How could you do this? I want you back. Now.
But you’re not coming back, are you? No, of course not.
How could this happen? Why? I don’t understand.
I’ll never understand.
I don’t like this anger, but sometimes it feels better than sadness. I find myself irritated with everything. My fuse is short. Frustration is bubbling just beneath the surface.
I think I’m going to explode. Maybe that would be better than holding this anger in. I don’t know.
I want to scream and hit something. Maybe I should.
I’m here. You’re not. I’m angry.
Dealing with the anger within
Here are 5 key truths to remember about grief anger.
1. Anger is common in grief.
When someone dies or leaves, our hearts break. Emotions pour out and flood our being. Sadness is one of the most common feelings we experience. Anger is another.
A loved one is gone. We’re stunned, shocked, and sad. We begin to feel the pain. Their absence becomes a cloud that encompasses us no matter where we go.
2. Questions assault our hearts.
Questions begin to surface. How could this happen? Why? Why them? Why us? Why now? Why this way?
3. Heart-settling answers are difficult to find.
Satisfying answers are hard to come by. Anger begins to brew within. We feel robbed and cheated. Perhaps we feel wronged or victimized. Our hearts rail against this loss, this death. We want our loved one back. Now.
4. Love is passionate and powerful.
Loss hits the heart. When we feel attacked, anger is a natural result.
Anger is common when we encounter loss. We love them. They’re gone. Of course, we’re upset. Loss has invaded and stolen someone we care about.
5. Anger will be expressed, one way or another.
The key now is expressing the anger in healthy ways. We could do any or all of the following:
- Hit a pillow, or scream into it
- Power walk around, punching the air
- Knead some dough
- Smack a punching bag
- Write in a journal
- Exercise
- Vent to someone safe
We can’t afford to let the anger smolder and fester. It will most likely leak out in less than desirable ways. We must find ways to express it as it comes.
We continue to breathe deeply. We give ourselves permission to be angry. Anger is a natural part of grief.
Affirmation: It’s okay if I get angry. I will find healthy ways to express my anger.
Adapted from the 2018 USA Best Book Award Winner, Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss.
Questions: Have you experienced anger in your grief? What have you found helpful in dealing with this powerful emotion?
Additional resources:
Take a Break from Depression in 3 Easy Steps – Thrive Global
The Good Grief Mini-Course (free email series)
The 1 yr. Anniversary of my granddaughters OD death is coming up very soon. A day I shall never forget. The officer at my door with the devastating news that floors your life forever. ?how does one continue on?????
Hi Mary. Thanks for sharing this. I’m so sorry. How devastating – and sudden. Yes, that kind of news changes everything in an instant. And death anniversaries are challenging indeed. Please plan on taking good care of yourself. Be patient with yourself on this up and down road. And please reach out here anytime. Blessings to you today…
I feel anger every day. My son had bone cancer, cerebral palsy,autism and mitochondrial disease. I feel because he was special needs the doctor would not give him the right pain medicine. My son suffered his last two weeks in screaming pain from the bone cancer and the doctor would not give him fentenal (missed spelled) because he might get addicted. This is end of life there will be no addiction for him. I don’t understand. As a mom you are suppose to do the best for your children, doctors wouldn’t listen until i got the CEO to come.
Then he was put on fentenal , pain stopped and he passed peacefully 12 hours later. But why the suffering days before? Why?
Barb, thanks for sharing this. I wonder the same things sometimes. In hospice, we see these kinds of things all the time before people come onto our service. I’m so sorry you experienced this. What a traumatic experience all the way around. Please feel free to reach out here anytime, Barb. Again, thank you for sharing.
It has been 2 years since I lost my world, my soulmate, my best friend, my husband. I have been through all the emotions of hurt, anger, questioning, self blame. I have found some relief in keeping a journal and pouring it all out in it. I also have cardinals now in the yard that I never had until Carroll passed away and I firmly believe it is him keeping an eye on me. I feed him daily along with special treats a few times a week. I talk to him every day in the morning, when I get home from work and before I go to bed. I wish him a good day, a goodnight and talk to him as if he was right next to me, and talk about the things we always talked about. I even pour out me feelings to him, I cry, I scream, I pout…I let it all out….then I always tell him I love and miss him and I go inside. Sometimes I feel totally exhausted after these conversations and no matter how upset I feel I also feel a small relief of letting it out. It helps me to continue on each day at a time. In one of your newsletters you stated sometimes it helps to do what I was already doing and I felt a tinge of hope in knowing that I was doing the right things in my own time and that there was actually someone who knew what I was feeling, who understood and was there to let me vent or just get it off my chest. Thank you so much for being there and allowing this outlet and for suggestions on how to cope and that I was doing nothing wrong. Feels good to know there is someone who supports those of us that are struggling. You are definately a Godsend. Thank you for being there.
Hi Amy. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry. What a massive, huge loss you’ve experienced. Having said that, it certainly sounds like you are navigating it well – taking your heart seriously and processing the grief as it comes. I know it can be hard to see ourselves as healing when things feel so upended, unnerving, and challenging. Please be patient with yourself, Amy. Blessings to you.