Benching: The dating trend that could ruin your love life 

Benching has nothing to do with benches
Benching has nothing to do with benches Credit: Girls/HBO

Have you ever found yourself dating someone and wondering why they’re so non-committal? Why you have a great WhatsApp chat with them, but then they go quiet for a few weeks? Or why it is that when you decide to finally break it off, they send such a nice normal message you start to wonder if you dreamt their disinterest?

If so, then I’m sorry to say, but you’ve been benched.

Benching is, according to New York magazine’s Beta Male, very different to ghosting – when the person you’re dating (or worse – in a full-blown relationship with) disappears from your life so gradually that you don’t realise you’re single until someone spots them with a new partner.

With benching, you don’t even get to a stage where you’re regularly dating. Instead the bencher strings along the benchee with well-timed WhatsApps and witty texts, or small promises that never materialise into big gestures.

They do it to keep their options open – they might like the benchee, sure, but not well enough to commit. At most they might meet up once in a while – but never two weeks in a row.

This is all very well for the bencher. They get to have a back-up date on speed-dial. If they realise they’re lonely and need a plus one, they’ve got someone to call. If they’re living a fulfilled single life but just need someone they can text an amusing anecdote to, they’ve got someone right there.

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For the benchee, this is naturally horrific. Take it from someone who knows. When you’re a benchee, you never know if the other person does actually like you – why else would they text you great things all the time?! – or if they’re just not that into you – how else can you explain the long silences and lack of regular dates?

It becomes an endless source of frustration where you think the uncertainty is all in your head and you’re going crazy. But you’re not. It’s the bencher who is in control.

A former bencher (female, 26) tells me: “I didn’t mean to string this guy along. I genuinely wasn’t sure if it was going anywhere or not. I wasn’t bothered to make time to hang out with him much, but at the same time it was a massive ego boost to always have someone available to message me. I guess it was a good back-up, you know?”

In an online dating world, this is more common than ever. People meet on apps such as Tinder and Bumble where they start messaging – and keep on going. Even if they never arrange an IRL date, some continue texting each other.

One female friend famously spent an entire year messaging a man she met on Tinder. She suggested meeting up in person a few times, but he always managed to cancel. Naturally we assumed he was catfishing her – but selfies, FaceTimes and phone calls all disproved this. They eventually met up, but she was so frustrated with his behaviour up to this point that it never developed into a second date.

Being benched is always tough
Being benched is always tough Credit: Getty

In retrospect, we agree he was a skilled bencher of the highest degree.

But dating coach Jo Barnett has more sympathy for him: “He might by shy, or it might take him a whole to feel confident or comfortable enough to ask someone out. Some people like to take things slow and build up a friendship first.”

In some cases, that might be true. But in others – namely when you’ve already met up before, or they’re stringing your best mate along – it’s obvious the other person is just selfishly keeping their options open.

Barnett agrees this more manipulative bencher does exist: “It’s often men who do this, but they’re just not sure. Some of them also like the communication of getting a daily message, or a good morning. But the other person gets frustrated and wants to know why aren’t they meeting up?”

In a modern world, this is happening more than ever. Whether we’ve labelled it being ‘benched’ – or just strung along – most of us will have some experience of this. Sadly there is no real solution. You cannot convince a bencher to fall for you.

So our advice? Bench them right back.    

 

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